Super Bowl preview: The Rogaine Bowl
Super Bowl Extra Large features two teams with a combined 29 victories and 12 Pro Bowlers. Each coach has experience in the big game, and Seattle’s Shaun Alexander is the NFL MVP. The Seahawks have a potent offense (first in points scored) and the Steelers field a great defense (third in points against). Steeler linebacker Joey Porter and Seahawk tight end Jerramy Stevens have been auditioning for the WWE this week with their war of words. There are key points and film breakdowns and computer simulations – Pittsburgh won the official one – and uniform decisions and any other angle an analyst can possibly think of.
But everyone has overlooked the most important aspect of all: Hair.
That’s right, that filamentous growth protruding from the epidermis we simply call hair. It protects us, insulates us, and can even camouflage us. Facial hair is considered masculine. Baldness is a sign of old age.
What does a Milos Forman film title have to do with the Super Bowl?
Pittsburgh has it where it counts, and Seattle doesn’t.
The two most important positions on Sunday are quarterback and running back. Seattle’s signal caller, Matt Hasselbeck, is nothing short of follicly challenged. At age 30, Hasselbeck has had the Karl Malone misfortune of losing most of his hair during the prime of his athletic career. Conversely, Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger not only has a popular local sandwich named after him that overflows with machismo, but he has grown a beard that would make Bill Walton smile. The shaggy Roethlisberger could pass as a wilderness man or a pirate, if he were equipped with the mandatory eye patch and bandana. Meanwhile, I think I saw Hasselbeck playing in a 40 and up Thursday night basketball league.
Advantage: Steelers
Shaun Alexander may have won the league’s most valuable player award, but he did it aerodynamically. Alexander has often sported the “eyebrows only” haircut this season. The Steelers feature two running backs, “fast” Willie Parker, and short-yardage specialist Jerome “The Bus” Bettis. On top of having great nicknames, they sport more fur than the MVP. Parker, just a rookie, has donned an old-school afro this season. Bettis has a beard to accompany his perfect videogame hairline.
Advantage: Steelers
Even the key contributors on each defense are polar opposites when it comes to coiffures. Seattle’s best defender has been rookie linebacker Lofa Tatupu, a USC alum who keeps cleanly shaven with a relatively short do. Pittsburgh’s best defender, Troy Polamalu, also went to USC, but certainly not to the same salon as Tatupu. Polamalu roams the field like a lion with arguably the longest, wildest mane in the history of the sport. It’s impossible to read his name on the back of his jersey, but we all know who is flying around the turf when we see that hair.
Advantage: Steelers
Lastly, the coaches are of utmost importance in a Super Bowl. Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren has a fluffy mustache and thinning hair. Tony Kornheiser – a man who knows hair – said he looks like a “walrus.” His counterpart, Bill Cowher, has the thickest mustache in the business. At times, it’s impossible to tell where his mouth ends and his nose begins because of it. Well, except when he’s yelling.
Advantage: Steelers
So there you have it. Another perfect scientific explanation for exactly how the Super Bowl will play out. The Steelers will win Super Bowl XL in a landslide. Just ask your local barber.
But everyone has overlooked the most important aspect of all: Hair.
That’s right, that filamentous growth protruding from the epidermis we simply call hair. It protects us, insulates us, and can even camouflage us. Facial hair is considered masculine. Baldness is a sign of old age.
What does a Milos Forman film title have to do with the Super Bowl?
Pittsburgh has it where it counts, and Seattle doesn’t.
The two most important positions on Sunday are quarterback and running back. Seattle’s signal caller, Matt Hasselbeck, is nothing short of follicly challenged. At age 30, Hasselbeck has had the Karl Malone misfortune of losing most of his hair during the prime of his athletic career. Conversely, Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger not only has a popular local sandwich named after him that overflows with machismo, but he has grown a beard that would make Bill Walton smile. The shaggy Roethlisberger could pass as a wilderness man or a pirate, if he were equipped with the mandatory eye patch and bandana. Meanwhile, I think I saw Hasselbeck playing in a 40 and up Thursday night basketball league.
Advantage: Steelers
Shaun Alexander may have won the league’s most valuable player award, but he did it aerodynamically. Alexander has often sported the “eyebrows only” haircut this season. The Steelers feature two running backs, “fast” Willie Parker, and short-yardage specialist Jerome “The Bus” Bettis. On top of having great nicknames, they sport more fur than the MVP. Parker, just a rookie, has donned an old-school afro this season. Bettis has a beard to accompany his perfect videogame hairline.
Advantage: Steelers
Even the key contributors on each defense are polar opposites when it comes to coiffures. Seattle’s best defender has been rookie linebacker Lofa Tatupu, a USC alum who keeps cleanly shaven with a relatively short do. Pittsburgh’s best defender, Troy Polamalu, also went to USC, but certainly not to the same salon as Tatupu. Polamalu roams the field like a lion with arguably the longest, wildest mane in the history of the sport. It’s impossible to read his name on the back of his jersey, but we all know who is flying around the turf when we see that hair.
Advantage: Steelers
Lastly, the coaches are of utmost importance in a Super Bowl. Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren has a fluffy mustache and thinning hair. Tony Kornheiser – a man who knows hair – said he looks like a “walrus.” His counterpart, Bill Cowher, has the thickest mustache in the business. At times, it’s impossible to tell where his mouth ends and his nose begins because of it. Well, except when he’s yelling.
Advantage: Steelers
So there you have it. Another perfect scientific explanation for exactly how the Super Bowl will play out. The Steelers will win Super Bowl XL in a landslide. Just ask your local barber.
posted by Ben Taylor | 1:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home